Moving

I’ve moved the site and have literally parked the bus elsewhere, you can now read my bullshit at an all new location

THE DEAD RED SUN

Thanks

Corruption? And Pires, Pires, Pires, Where Art Thou Pires?

A 28-year-old Bobby f*cking Pires, here’s some advice Mr.Houllier, wanna stay in the Premier League? Play Pires, his dreaminess…

If there’s anyone that’s actually been reading the stuff I write, two things, first, thank you, means alot, secondly, sorry I haven’t been writing alot, I know I meant to, but I have a horrible timetable this semester, 9 UNITS!!!!

So I’m 9-5ing every damn day…

Also, I’ve been a bit depressed with Arsenal stuff, I wonder why :-/

Ever wonder why Wenger is so stubborn it’s weird, like I’m a stubborn person, I know why though, I’m an idiot, but Wengers a genius, why’s he being an idiot? I love you Wenger, but for f*cks sake, play a 4-4-2 when Cesc isn’t there…He’s got a chronic hamstring injury, so there’s going to be at least 3 weeks a season he won’t play, we need to f*cking learn to play without him…

Cesc is leaving soon, there’s little to no doubt about that, if he leaves next season and we still have no way to play without him, we’ll be well and truly Liverpooled!!

And trust me, I’d rather walk alone than be a Liverpool fan…

Walking alone, we do that alot these days, Arsenal fans, we have the Wenger stays and Wenger goes brigades, how about we just ask Pep to be number 2, isn’t Pat rice going?

Last medieval thought before I disappear, is the Champions League rigged? Check the cover of FIFA11:

I can dream up headlines too, I’m just lazy, or, I’m not stupid, Stupid!

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger set to bid for Bolton’s Gary Cahill as Thomas Vermaelen is out until next season – report

That was the headline I saw, it was brilliant.

Brilliant? has he last his mind?

I can assure you, yes, I have. But alas, that is…why the f*ck am I typing like this? I dunno, it’s been a weird day, a caffeine free day, if you can imagine. But don’t worry dear listener, I’m sipping coffee as I type, daftly.

Before I run a paragraph full of expletives, defiling the noble art that is journalism, I wanna plug my new favorite podcast, it’s called Mike Detective, its absolutely brilliant, listen to in NOW!!! (after you read the rest of the story)

Also, I have a dick joke that I wrote in my continued pursuit of standing up and making people laugh. Stand up comedy, my 3 month old dream besides, I can’t b worse than Ricky Gervais can I?

Yeah, so dick joke, tell me if you want to read it, I want to try it out, but I don’t want to put it on this interweblog, as esteemed a f*cking publication as it is.

For my regular readers (I have AT LEAST 2) It’s been decided by the powers that be were, I’ll do this Tuesday evening’s, such as this lovely one and Thursday mornings, so set your alarm clocks, shit just got real. As opposed to the incepted state it was at before.

Yes, some dumb f*k “journalist” actually had the f*cking balls to type, write, or even record the words:

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger set to bid for Bolton’s Gary Cahill as Thomas Vermaelen is out until next season

I get it, believe me, people want to read stories linking Arsenal with a CB, I don’t, I’ve made my views clear, 3 great CB’s and a Squillaci is fine for me. No way are two brilliant CB’s who should be playing week-in-week-out, no way will they be content with the bench, they’ll make alot of noise, and as we’ve seen at Arsenal, the slightest amount of disruption in the dressin room f*cks us real good.

Gallas takes a weep on the pitch and the team might as well have walked onto the pitch with a jar of vaseline for the remaining games. Sam thing happened after the big Gallas vs. Toure thing.

Gallas is a cunt, isn’t he?

I keep going off course in these f*cking things.

Anyways, Cahill, yes, the headline. Let me break it down, just a bit. Vermaelen, f*cked ’till next season, very true, brilliant journalism. Wenger in for Cahill, totally believable, again, brilliant journalism. But the word BECAUSE that’s what really grinds my f*cking teeth.

If we’re going to buy Cahill, it HAS to be done in the summer, so he can’t play ’till next season, which is when Vermaelen is supposed to be back. So you’re buying someone to replace someone else that i going to be fit.

That’s like:

I have a brilliant PS3, but my mate has borrowed it, he’ll give it back next month, I’m pretty confident he will return it. I know, I’ll buy another one next week, to replace the 1st one which I’m getting back.

F*cking headline spinning journalists, btw, I saw the story on goal.com, didn’t bother to read it, it could’ve been explained brilliantly, I don’t care.

I prefer to think of it as an emergency pre-season loan.

Well, Happy Mothers Day, see you later.

Ian Says We’ll Win The League

We’re going to win the League,

The Kenya Power and Lighting Company have been shit today, so before they decide to rob me of power again, this will be a quickie post, not that different from other forms of quickie’s, even finishes with a grunt, and a uuuuuuh!

So, we ARE going to win the League, Almunia might be shit more often than not, and Squillaci, Koscielny together is sort of like Laurel and Hardy on crack, crack baked in weed smoke,  I’m just kidding (not really).

We’ll win because we’re (almost) finally rid of this:

My favouraite colour is yellow, but this was a disaster. like Poseidon! or Rooney's hair, Maroon 5's new album

Yes, were done with the juju kit of  North London, but for one game. See it’s been terrible in this kit, lost games we shouldn’t have, unnecessary red cards, I lost a shitload on bets :-/

We’ve got ten games left:

(A) West Brom – Red

(H) Blackburn – Red

(A) Blackpool – Blue, it is technically our third kit and we haven’t used it once this season, so I figured , definitely won’t be yellow though

(H) Liverpool – Red

(A) The Devil’s Asshole (Sp*rs) – Red

(A) Bolton – Red

(H) Man United – Red

(A) Stoke – Yellow

(H) Villa – Red

(A) Fulham – Red

Many lose able in the yellow kit, which, I’m not specifically blaming, it probably has alot to do with the fact that the yellow kit is our AWAY kit and we’ve become shit away recently, I recognize that.

But there has definitely a specific trend, even the average supporter has his head lifted higher in the red and white, WE ARE ARSENAL, WE ARE RED AND WHITE, that makes me sound racist, doesn’t it?

Yes, we’re done with ye olde rhubarb and custard at least for this season, but you’re like, “he’s promising we’ll win the league, if we stop wearing clothes” (ladies, yes, take ‘em off now, send me pictures even if you don’t think you’re hot enough, I’ll judge that) I keep going of track, I wanted to keep this short, as short as A Fabio, useless git.

I was saying, before I began to bore you lot, all one of you, I have an insurance policy, I live in Kenya right, and as advanced as we are now, we still get alot of these:

Yes, witch doctors, medicine men, Dumbledore’s, Ian Holloways call them what you will, so today, in a bit of, I dunno, silliness? does that sound right, so I called one of them, and we’ve already had one Kenyan Gooner kill himself over a game we lost, although I’m sure it had more to do with the (probable) bet he lost. So I called one, who then asked my problem, I told him I want Arsenal to win the league, no problem he says, he’s an Arsenal fan, calls himself Ian, I send him 500 Kshs, we win the League, I sent him 750 Kshs.

So, there ya go, we ARE winning the League, you are welcome…
Disclaimer: I’m a pessimistic SoB so we probably won’t win the League, also, Ian the medicine man, was probably mental, this is NOT a guarantee that well win the league.

That’s it for now,

Happy Chinese New Year, enjoy West Brom in red and white!

The Chronicles of North London: A Lionel, A Mental and An Empty Trophy Cabinet

Hello, I was going to be nice, but I lost this after writing 700 words and I can’t remember most of it :-/

Before we begin the festivities, I’d like to get all “I’m better than you” and ask you to donate for Japan, I did it yesterday an d it gave me a brilliantly fizzy feeling inside. It’s not good enough saying, “I’m praying for Japan, I’m doing my part”, whatever God you pray to, I’m sure doesn’t take to public opinion, heaven is not a democracy (feel free to use that ) So give them some money,they could use it.

Uh, also, give me some money, I’m flat broke :-/ And check out my new tumblr, it’s called I SEE JUPITER, for reasons that are not obvious, unless you know me very well.

I’ll try to blog more regularly again, bi-weekly, if you think I’ll kill the Internet, let me know, I’ll do something about it, because of peace on Earth and Santa and such stuff. Yeah, so, bi-weekly, and that doesn’t mean it swings both ways (yeah, I know that’s the weakest joke since they called Ricky Gervais a comedian) See how I used the lame joke to set up the real one

What a shit 2 weeks it’s been for you if you’re an Arsenal fan? Not for me thought, I’ve had a decent start to it, I knew we’ll be done by Barca and Man Utd, the only real disappointment was the League cup. And I have a theory, alright? I think before coming on, Obafemi “you f*cking bastard” Martins did some West African Juju on Koscielny and Sczcesny.

And f*cking van der Sar, yer 40, just f*cking stop it! Retire, just stop! Stop! Stop!

And Messi, when’ll the little bastard spend his time curing AIDS instead of with us, mere humans, that boy has some serious skill, the way he chipped it over Almunia, I’ll say this without shame it beats Bergkamp vs. Newcastle and that was the greatest pre-goal bit of skill ever, bloody hell! I’d trade Cesc for him in a heartbeat.

Something my friend said to me today was, “7 defenders and your stupid team still couldn’t score!”

Well, NO F*CKING DUH! Isn’t that what defenders are for? Mental git!

Speaking of mental gits:

He! He! Why so serious?

So, crazy Jens may well be on his way back to the Emirates in a playing capacity, I don’t know where he went to actually come back, he’s a coach there for a while, he’ a brilliant man isn’t he? Mental, but brilliant! Speaking of brilliance, technically I broke the Lehmann news, and I want the f*cking credit I’m due:

My IDEA! My IDEA!

Anyways, I was listening to the Tuesday club today and they made a brilliant point about how we’re missing that kind of cuntish leadership you got from a Keown or an Adams or a Keane, and I think Lehmann cn bring that to the team, sends them out, before the game, “Alright lads, you lose this and I’ll have yer balls for dinner”, and he will, because e’s f*cking mental, he a may be our most important player for the next ten games, which I am HEAVILY pessimistic about, I can see most teams (and refs) bending down and spreading their ass cheeks for Fergie…

That’s about it,

Merry Christmas, remember Japan

Ciao!